The Second Time Around
by anhanninen
Summary: One call changes Edward Cullen's life, giving him a second chance to be the father he always imagined. Piecing together his broken daughter isn't easy, and he soon realizes she needs more help than he can offer. His daughter comes first, but feelings can't always be controlled and he might just find another second chance he didn't count on. All Human.
1. Chapter 1

I listened intently, grinning from ear to ear as my eight year old daughter listed everything she wanted to do with me this summer — our summer. It was only eight days away, and I'd been marking each day off of my calendar just as she had.

"And can we go to the zoo, too? Oh, and the aquarium?"

I nodded, taking in her beautiful, bright smile through the computer screen. "We can do whatever you'd like, Sawyer. But don't plan too much because I've got a surprise for you."

"A surprise! What is it?" she asked, bouncing up and down in her seat. "Are we going somewhere? Did you get me something? What is it, Daddy?"

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise," I chuckled as her strawberry curls stopped bouncing and her shoulders slumped. "You'll find out soon enough. Now, I want you to have a good last day at school and tell me _all _about it later, okay?"

"We're having a party outside and we get to play games and we get pizza! From Pizza Hut. Not the yucky school kind."

She'd already informed me of this, but I just nodded again. "That's sounds like _so _much fun. I love you."

"I love you too, Daddy. Have a good day at work and don't get kicked again," she said in all seriousness.

"I'll watch out for legs." I smirked, recalling the little boy who'd kicked me yesterday because my stethoscope was too cold. Well, supposedly. I believed the kid just liked to kick people. "Thanks for the reminder. Call me when you get home, all right? Bye, Bean."

"Bye-bye!"

She was soon out of my view, sliding off of the stool in her mother's kitchen to finish getting dressed. Before I could end the video call, though, Tanya took her place. I didn't hate my ex-wife. Hell, I'd even call her a friend still. But her sitting down meant she needed to tell me something, and decided to wait until the last moment so it'd be impossible for me to say no. I glanced at my watch, knowing I needed to leave soon — as did she.

"What's going on?" I asked, sighing softly.

She smiled sweetly, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "I understand that it's short notice, but I have to go out of town this weekend for possibly quite some time. I was _hoping _you wouldn't mind coming down a little early? I'd reschedule if I could, but my boss needs me down in Los Angeles to consult on a huge case."

Tanya was a defense attorney — a damn good one, at that. She was a partner at her firm in Portland, but she seemed to be needed just about everywhere. You'd _think _this would be a reason to change our custody agreement, but like I said, she was a damn good attorney, which meant it would be almost impossible to challenge our agreement and win. She had Sawyer through the school year, I had her during the summer, and we alternated Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Not the arrangement I'd have liked, but . . . I knew better than to try and change it.

"When do you need me to come pick her up?" I asked.

"Friday, please? I can probably get Maggie to stay Friday night if Saturday works better for you."

No offense to Maggie — I was sure she was a fine nanny — but I fucking hated that someone besides Tanya cared for our daughter. Tanya and I _were _on good terms, but there was a part of me that would always be angry with her for moving from Seattle to Portland with our daughter. If she'd stayed here after the divorce, our daughter wouldn't need a nanny.

"I'll reschedule some patients and be there Friday," I said. It wasn't like I'd pass up a few extra days with my little girl, after all. "Will you tell her tonight?"

She nodded with a grin across her face. "Of course. Thank you _so _much, Edward. I have to go, so I'll talk to you later."

"All right, bye," I said as the screen went black.

Eight days were now only three, and though I wished Tanya had let me in on this a little sooner, I was honestly thrilled with the change. A few days wasn't much, but I'd never pass up a little extra time with my baby girl.

I'd give anything for more, actually.

* * *

"I swear to God, if Alice set me up with one of her hippie friends, I might actually strangle her this time," I groaned, thinking about my date tonight. The first one in six months, mind you. "I can't believe I agreed to this."

"Well, to be fair, she can't be any worse at picking women for you than you are," Garrett said, smirking as he sat down across from me in our office lounge. "You had to change your phone number after the last one, man. She was batshit crazy."

Unfortunately, this was true. I'd been divorced six years and dated here and there — nothing too serious, though. When Tanya and I split and she moved away, I was in the middle of my residency and just didn't have time for it. Even once I took up my father's offer to join his practice, my time was still limited and it seemed that once I told my dates I had a daughter, things stopped pretty quickly. I was fairly young still, and so were they. I couldn't blame them for not wanting the baggage, and _I _didn't want someone who considered my kid baggage.

I was thirty-three, divorced, and a workaholic, and finding a woman to spend my life with just wasn't high up on my list of priorities. So, I dated women who weren't looking for that, which led to the crazy Jessica that Garrett had so _thoughtfully _reminded me of.

She'd changed her mind about that not-serious thing.

I hadn't.

"The first sign of crazy and I'm fucking gone," I sighed. "I'll fake a call from the hospital and not even be ashamed of it."

He laughed, cracking his neck and lifting his coffee mug. "Just text me and I'll help you out. Hey, we can make it true and you can take over being on call for me."

"Hell no."

Though I _loved _my job, being on call sucked. The thing about being a pediatric cardiologist was that the kids were great. It was the parents that were the problem. Granted, their kids were sick so they had a right to be concerned, but there was a fairly good chance that having to go to the ER at four in the morning would turn out to be nothing. In fact, my job seemed to be split between making kids feel better and calming parents down.

I'd probably spent more of my morning satisfying parents than actually treating the kids, but that was my life. And to be honest, I was pretty damn good at both aspects.

"I'm sure she's not completely insane," Garrett said. "She's a child psychologist like Alice, right?"

"Yeah, I guess they met at some conference a while back. Maybe she won't be so bad, and I mean, there _is _a possibility of getting laid."

I hadn't agreed to this pretty much blind date for that reason alone, but six months was a long time, to say the least. If there was a chance to end the dry spell, I figured I'd take it.

"Well, I'll keep you in my thoughts," he joked. "Now, why is my schedule suddenly so full on Friday? What's so important that you're taking off on short notice?"

"I'm getting Sawyer early," I grinned, closing my laptop and picking up my sub. "Tanya has a business trip, which she just informed me of this morning. I'm sure you'll survive a few extra patients."

Our practice had four cardio doctors. Two pediatric cardiologists — Garrett and me — and then two pediatric cardiothoracic surgeons, which were my father and Dr. Eleazar Reid. Dad had started this practice a few years ago because he wanted to be able to offer both the medical and surgical aspects of our specialties at the same place. It was a fairly successful practice and one of the few around. We all shared patients and consulted together, but Garrett and I worked as more of a team on our own, which meant that when I wasn't here, he cared for my patients and vice versa.

I felt a little bad for leaving him patients on short notice, but at the same time, I really didn't.

"Yeah, I guess I'll survive, but you're only getting away with it because it's Sawyer," he said. "Have you told her about Disney World yet?"

"No, but I told her I had a surprise. She _really _wanted to know," I chuckled. "I'll tell her when I pick her up. She's going to _flip_."

That was probably an understatement, actually. With the help of a travel agent, I'd managed to plan every eight-year-old girl's dream Disney vacation.

"You're probably going to have to sedate her on the plane ride to Florida. God, I can't wait to see her again. I'm sure she's grown four inches since Christmas."

"Not even close, but yeah . . . it's hard to believe she's eight already."

He sipped his coffee, nodding. "Time flies by, I guess. I'm glad you're getting a few extra days with her, which better mean I get to see her before you head to Disney World. I miss that little girl."

Garrett and I had been friends since medical school, and he'd known Sawyer her whole life. When Tanya had moved away with her, Garrett helped me through it — flying to Seattle from Boston, where he'd completed his residency. I couldn't hate my ex-wife, but he did. I was a fucking mess after that, and he'd kept me together. Tanya and I divorcing wasn't the problem — her taking my kid was.

"She misses you too, man. She even include a super awesome slumber party with Uncle Garrett and Aunt Kate on her do to list."

"She better have," he chuckled, looking at his watch. "I guess I'd better go read some echos and work on charts. I'll see you later, okay? I expect you to be walking in tomorrow with a skip in your step."

I smirked. "Let's hope. See you later."

After he left the lounge, I finished my lunch and then went back to my office to prepare for our afternoon clinic patients. My day was fairly busy, but it made the time pass by faster and soon enough, it was five o'clock.

As I headed toward my car, I called Sawyer because she hadn't called me when she got out of school. She answered quickly, apologizing for forgetting to call.

"It's okay, Bean," I said, sliding into my car and transferring the call to my stereo. "So, did you have a good last day?"

As I drove, Sawyer went on and on about her last day of school — which had been a blast, apparently. She hadn't seemed aware that I was picking her up a few days early, so I had to keep that to myself until Tanya told her tonight. If she did, even. She wasn't home yet, so Maggie was with Sawyer. That was pretty normal, though. The woman worked more hours than _I _did, which seemed impossible.

"Did you tell Uncle Garrett about our slumber party?" she asked.

I nodded to myself. "I did and he can't wait. I'm sure he's already coming up with ways to spoil you and ruin your appetite for days."

"We'll only eat ice cream," she giggled. "Did you get kicked today?"

I laughed. "No, not today, thankfully. I had a good day, too. I have some plans tonight, but if Mom doesn't get home soon and you want to talk, just call me, okay?"

"Uh-huh. She said we'd go out for ice cream later, so I _hope _she gets home soon. She's been really busy lately, though."

"I know, baby," I sighed. "You know she loves you, though, right?"

"Yeah, I know. She's just got a super important job. Maggie says dinner's ready, so I gotta go."

"All right, I'll talk to you later. I love you so, so much. Hugs and kisses."

She smooched into the phone, making me smile. "I love you too, Daddy. I can't wait to see you."

"I can't wait to see you too. Bye."

"Bye!"

The line went dead, and I hung up the phone as I pulled into my garage. I wasn't meeting my date until eight, so once I got inside and put my bag down, I popped open a beer and settled onto my couch to work on charts — my usual evening routine.

* * *

I'd been on more first dates in my life than I could count. Some were memorable, but most weren't. Tonight, though, as I sat at our reserved table and waited for my date to arrive, I found myself nervous for the first time. I mean, I didn't even know what this woman would look like — besides being a brunette. That didn't exactly narrow down my options, though.

I almost wanted to kick myself for agreeing to this blind date as the minutes ticked on and couple after couple passed me. But then, the hostess led a _beautiful _brunette back toward me. She wore a tight black dress, and I could've sworn her legs went on for days. I was ashamed to say that I gawked — not ashamed enough to stop, though. To be honest, I was expecting someone _quite _different. Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised if the woman had a flower in her hair and no shoes, like Alice tended to do.

My sister was a few decades late, but would've fit in perfectly with the hippies of the sixties. Instead, she drove a Prius and had multiple bins designated for recycling . . . She'd enjoyed the pot during her college years, though.

_Dear God, please be Bella, _I thought as they neared the table. I quickly stood, pulling the chair across from me out. "Bella?" I asked.

She nodded and a bright smile spread across her lips. "You must be Edward. It's nice to meet you," she said, holding her hand out.

I shook it lightly before she took her seat and I found mine once more. "You . . . are not what I expected," I confessed, chuckling nervously. "It's very nice to meet you. You look gorgeous."

God, she _really _did. The black dress was low cut and tight . . . and well, you could imagine that my view was quite incredible. Clearly, I needed to meet more of Alice's friends.

Her cheeks flushed as she brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "Thank you. I, uh . . . I can't say I've been on many blind dates, so what exactly do we do now?"

Her soft laugh was infectious and I found myself doing the same. "To be honest, I'm not entirely sure either. I guess we should start off simple."

And we did. I asked where she was from, and she told me about Forks — a small town on the Olympic peninsula. She'd gone to college in Arizona, but recently moved back because of a job offer and to be closer to her family. It was then I found out she was _six _years younger than me.

Alice neglected to inform me that I'd be seeing a twenty-seven year old — not that I was complaining, though.

"You're a child psychologist, right?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, I completed my doctorate in only five years. Basically, I've had no life for the past ten years."

Fuck, she was beautiful _and _brilliant. Garrett was right that Alice was better at finding dates for me than I was.

"That sounds like me in medical school," I chuckled. "That's actually incredible, really. You must be just out of school, right?"

"I graduated last summer and I had a job in Phoenix, but . . . it wasn't really what I wanted. My appointment times with my patients were so strict and I felt like I wasn't in control of their care. The moment I got the offer to join a small, new practice here, I took it. I _love _it."

She went on to tell me more about her job, and I found myself glued to her every word as we enjoyed our appetizer and waited for our entrees. She soon turned the conversation on me, wanting to know about my job and life.

"You have a daughter, don't you?" she asked. "I don't think Alice told me her name, though."

"Sawyer. I know it's . . . odd, but I didn't pick it," I chuckled. Tanya had pretty much decided our daughter's name without me, and though it seemed a little strange at first, I couldn't imagine calling her anything else. "She's eight and lives with her mother in Portland through the school year. I actually call her Bean a lot."

She cocked her eyebrow, smiling. "Well, I have to hear the story behind that."

I went on to tell her about my bean. I'd jokingly said she looked like a kidney bean on our first ultrasound, and it had stuck with both Tanya and me. She was our little bean — a surprise, but the most precious thing in the world to us, even at that early stage.

"Oh, that's adorable," she laughed.

I grinned, nodding. "She's pretty adorable, let's just say."

"May I see a picture?"

It was as if this woman _knew _the way to hook me was through my daughter, so I quickly pulled out my phone and passed it to her. The photo was from a few months ago when Tanya'd had another business trip and I'd taken a few days off to go down to Portland to stay with Sawyer. Bella's smile was wide as she aww'd at the picture, telling me how much we looked alike.

Sawyer was actually a pretty even mix of Tanya and me, though she leaned toward being more like me — right now, at least.

"God, she's so cute," she said, passing my phone back to me as our entrees came. "Thank you for letting me see her."

"Like I'd ever say no to showing off my daughter." I smirked. "I'm actually picking her up Friday and she'll spend the summer with me. I can't wait."

"I can imagine. I have a nephew, and now that I'm back I get to keep him every once in a while."

"Do you have a brother or sister? Or both?"

"Just one brother, Emmett. He's a Seattle police officer."

As she began to tell me about her family, my phone suddenly began ringing. I quickly pulled it from my pocket, expecting to find Garrett — only it wasn't.

"Huh, it's a Portland area code," I said. "I should probably take it, just in case."

She nodded. "Of course."

"I'll be right back," I said, standing from my seat to walk outside. I put the phone to my ear and answered, "Hello?"

"Is this Edward Cullen?" an unfamiliar female voice said as I pushed open the door and stood off to the side.

"Yes, it is."

"Mr. Cullen, my name is Dr. Irina Forester and I'm a trauma surgeon at Providence Hospital in Portland, Oregon. I'm afraid there's been an accident."

My heart seemed to stop as I asked, "Is my daughter okay?"

_Nothing _could have prepared me for the next words out of her mouth. "She and her mother were in a car accident. I'm so sorry, but Tanya was very seriously injured and we weren't able to resuscitate her."

"She-she's dead?" I choked out as the world around me seemed to fade away.

"I'm very sorry, sir."

"Oh my god. She . . . wait, what about Sawyer?" I asked, my voice cracking as her words echoed through my mind.

God, no._ Please no._

"She's in critical condition, and I need to get her into surgery right away to manage her internal bleeding. I need your consent, sir."

"Yeah . . ." I mumbled, trying to wake up from this horrible nightmare. "Yes, _yes_, save my daughter."

"I'll do my best, but you need to get here as soon as possible."

"I'm in Seattle. I'll be there as soon as I can. Is-is she going to die? Please, just tell me. I'm a doctor."

She sighed softly as tears burned my eyes. "Her spleen ruptured and she has multiple fractured ribs, which punctured her left lung and liver. She has other injuries, but those are the most serious as of right now."

She didn't say the words, but I knew . . . My daughter could easily die, as her mother had.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **SM owns Twilight, not me.

**Hello again! **So, some of you might remember Just Breathe, which went on hiatus and then I pulled a while back. I decided I didn't like it and couldn't write it as it was, so I rewrote it — changing almost everything except the basic plot. I've got a few chapters prewritten and an entire outline this time, so my goal is to update every two weeks, though the next chapter will come in about a week. A Few More F Words only has two more chapters, so I figured I'd go ahead and start posting.

I owe a massive thank you to **Bookwormbaby25 **and **MelissaMargaret **for taking their time to beta.

Also, thank you to **Kelley**, **Marita**, **Dee,** and **Marie** for prereading.

And of course, thank _you_ for taking the time to read. I hope you enjoy this story and I'd love to hear your thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

I was barely able to get the words out about what had happened to Sawyer before Bella told me to go — to not worry about anything except my daughter. I had no clue what to do, so the moment I got in my car, I called my parents. My hands shook and for the first time since Tanya had taken Sawyer from me, I cried. My mother ordered me to pull over on the interstate and within twenty minutes, they'd pulled up behind me.

I couldn't fucking drive. My daughter was possibly _dying _and I. Couldn't. Fucking. Drive.

"There are no flights until morning," Dad said as he slid into my driver's seat, forcing me over to the passenger side. "It's late and the traffic should be light, so hopefully it won't take us much more than three hours."

"She could be dead by then," I said, shaking my head. "God, she's in _surgery_. She's all alone."

"She's not going to die, son, and she won't be alone for long. It's going to be all right."

He started my car back up, quickly speeding back onto the interstate with Mom behind us. The drive was excruciating as my mind played the doctor's words over and over. I thought about everything that could go wrong — how Sawyer could die so easily. And then I thought about Tanya.

I wasn't _in _love with her, and hadn't been for years, but . . . she had been my wife. She was the mother of my child. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she was _gone_. She was dead, and it just seemed impossible.

"They were probably getting ice cream," I said softly. "Tanya promised her ice cream today. They were getting ice cream and now . . . Holy shit."

"I know, Edward," Dad said. "Why don't you try to get an update, hmm? It's been almost two hours. They might know something more."

I nodded, reaching for my phone in my pocket. In the chaos, I'd missed hearing a text message from Bella.

**Your daughter's in my thoughts and I'm praying for a good outcome. Let me know if you need anything.**

I didn't know what the hell to say back. I was still numb with fear and I was clueless how to respond, so I didn't yet. Instead, I dialed the number for the surgical department that Dr. Forester had given me.

Sawyer was still in surgery.

* * *

It took a little over three hours, but we made it to Providence Hospital in record time. How we didn't get pulled over was beyond me, but I couldn't seem to care. As soon as we got up to the surgical floor, I found out that Sawyer was _still _in surgery. There were no updates and the nurse couldn't call the operating room and ask.

If it weren't for my parents, I'd have torn through the floor to find my daughter. They forced me into a chair, though, and we kept waiting . . . and waiting and waiting as my watch ticked past four and a half hours since I'd gotten the call.

"It's taking too long," I sighed, dropping my head into my hands. "It must have been worse than what Dr. Forester told me."

Mom's hand rested against my back. "We don't know that, honey. I'm sure the surgeon will be out soon."

"Mr. Cullen?"

My head shot up at the male voice, finding a police officer entering the waiting room. "Yes," I said.

"I'm Sergeant Peters," he said, pulling a chair over and sitting down across from us. "I'm so sorry about the loss of your wife. I thought you might have questions regarding the accident, so I asked to be called once you arrived."

"What happened?"

"A drunk driver swerved into oncoming traffic and hit their car head on. After that, another car struck the driver's side. A total of five cars were involved in the accident."

My sorrow was replaced with rage in an instant as I hissed, "Is the drunk dead?"

"No," he sighed. "Last I heard he was at another hospital, but his injuries weren't life-threatening.

"He killed Tanya and possibly my daughter, yet he gets to live? How is that fucking fair?"

"Son, he'll pay for what he did," Dad said. "We need to focus on Sawyer, not him."

I shook my head in disgust, _wishing _this man had died. I didn't care how horrible of me that was, but he didn't deserve to walk away from this. "They were getting ice cream . . . goddamn ice cream."

"I'm so sorry for what you're going through," Sergeant Peters said. "He will be arrested for his crimes, and I'll keep you informed about what's going to happen. Here's my card."

"Yeah . . . thanks," I mumbled, nodding as he passed me the piece of paper.

"It's no problem. Your daughter's in my prayers."

"Thank you, Sergeant," Mom said, taking my hand as he left the room.

Before I could say anything else, the door opened once more and my eyes landed on a woman in scrubs. "Dr. Forester?" I asked.

She nodded, walking over to us as I stood. "First off, your daughter is stable. She's critical, but she fought hard throughout surgery. Please, take a seat."

"I need to see her." I shook my head.

"She's being taken to the PICU, but in the meantime, we need to discuss her injuries. Please sit?"

Begrudgingly, I fell back into my seat beside Mom. She put her arm through mine, offering a sympathetic smile as the doctor sat across from us.

"Sawyer's doing very well," Dr. Forester said. "Like I said on the phone, her spleen had ruptured and her liver and left lung were both punctured by her broken ribs. I was able to repair the damage to her spleen and liver, and I did have to open her chest to repair her lung. She has a chest tube in, but she is breathing on her own now — which is incredible."

"What about her brain? Spinal cord? Heart?" Dad asked as his brow creased with worry.

"All of her scans have shown that there is no brain or spinal cord trauma, and her heart is fine. She did lose a lot of blood, though, so her BP is still lower than I'd like. We're continuing to give her transfusions as of right now."

I sighed, imagining _all _the damage my little girl had endured. The fact that she alive was nothing short of a miracle, but I knew she wasn't out of the woods yet.

"What else?" I asked.

"Those were the most critical injuries, but she also has a compound fracture of her left radius and ulna that was closed during surgery, along with three fractured ribs, and a few lacerations. Nothing that won't heal with time, though."

"Are you _sure _her brain is all right?"

She nodded. "Perfectly fine."

I sighed in a bit of relief, but it wasn't long lasting. I cupped my hands over my face, trying to compose myself as tears fell from my eyes once more. I _needed _to see Sawyer, but not like this. I was her superman.

"What can you tell us about her mother, Tanya?" Dad asked.

"I am _so_ sorry for your loss," she said. "She arrived first, but she'd already coded. We tried all we could, but nothing worked. I left her to care for Sawyer, but I can page the doctor who pronounced her for you."

I nodded, wiping the stray tears that had fallen. "Okay . . . Does Sawyer know?"

"No, we sedated her soon after she was brought in. Do you have any more questions?"

"Not right now. I just . . . I need to see her."

She nodded, standing up from her seat. "She should be settled, so I'll take you back to her. It might be a little while before she wakes up, though."

"I don't care. I need to be with her."

"She's alive, son," Dad said, smiling sadly. "Let's focus on that right now."

* * *

I knew I'd find my daughter to be bruised and battered. I'd seen accident victims more times in my life than I could count, but _nothing _prepared me for seeing my little girl in that hospital bed. The lights were dimmed and the machines made it anything but silent. It was my worst nightmare — only I wasn't dreaming.

This was real.

That was my daughter in that hospital bed.

Her hair was matted and still had flakes of blood throughout it, her skin was pale — almost translucent, even — and the bruises . . . they seemed to litter every inch of her tiny body already. She didn't even look like my Sawyer.

"If you have any questions, I'll be right outside," Dr. Forester said, squeezing my shoulder sympathetically. "We're not keeping her sedated, so she could wake up soon, but . . . that really just depends on her."

I nodded, turning my head to her. "Thank you for taking care of her."

"Of course." She smiled. "I'll be in soon to check on her."

As she left, pulling the sliding glass door closed behind her, I fell into a chair and found Sawyer's hand under the layer of blankets. It was so small in mine — smaller than I remembered.

"Hi, Sawyer Bean," I said softly as my voice cracked with tears. "Daddy's here. I'm right here and I love you _so _much."

I lifted my hand, brushing her hair from her forehead — careful of the oxygen tubing under her nose and over her cheeks. I watched her monitors closely, wishing her blood pressure was higher.

"She looks good, son," Dad said from across the bed as he inspected her incisions, chest tube, and IVs — meticulously going over every inch of his grandchild as if she were his patient. Lastly, his fingertips grazed over the bulky temporary splint covering her right arm, which went past her elbow. "Normal capillary refill, too."

"She looks broken," I mumbled. "God, how am I supposed to tell her about Tanya? How am I supposed to do . . . any of this?"

I was alone in this now, and she only had _me _to care for her. I was a fucking part-time dad — actually, more like seasonal. All I'd wanted for so long was to have her to myself and now I did. But I didn't want it like this. I suddenly realized that I didn't know the first thing about doing this on my own.

"We'll figure it out," Mom promised, laying her hand over mine on Sawyer's. "It won't be easy, but you'll do it. I know you can."

The next few hours ticked by slowly as Sawyer rested. She'd move slightly, wincing and groaning in pain but not waking up. All I wanted was for her to open her beautiful green eyes, but I also dreaded the inevitable moment she'd ask about Tanya.

Around eight in the morning, exhausted and running on fumes, I left Sawyer's side for the first time to stretch my legs and get coffee. I took my phone with me and glanced at Bella's text from earlier. As I waited for my coffee to brew, I decided to send her one back.

**Sawyer's out of surgery and stable as of now. Thank you for thinking of her. I'll let you know how she does. **

I didn't expect a response, but there was one almost instantly.

**I'm so glad she's doing well. Thanks for letting me know. **

Though our date had ended before dinner and nothing else would ever come of it, I was thankful for her support. We'd never date — my life as I knew it had changed completely — but . . . there could be a friendship there. It warmed my heart to know that someone who had only seen a picture of my baby girl kept her in her thoughts.

As I sipped my coffee, trying to fight the exhaustion, I decided to go ahead and start this — start telling people what had happened. I knew Mom and Dad had already talked to Alice, but Garrett didn't know.

"Why the hell are you calling me at eight in the morning?" he answered gruffly. "I was in the ER all night with one of _your _patients."

"I'm in Portland," I said, easing into a chair in the lounge. "Sawyer was . . . she and Tanya were in a car accident last night."

"Shit! What happened? Is Sawyer all right?"

"She's stable, but in critical condition. She was in surgery most of the night and she hasn't woken up yet. Tanya's gone, Garrett. She . . . she's dead."

"Fuck, who's our backup call?"

Of course he'd want to be here, and I honestly wanted nothing more than the support of my best friend. I couldn't have it, though. "I need you to take care of our patients. Dad's already spoken to Eleazar and he thinks the two of you can handle things for a while. Sawyer's surgeon is confident she'll make a full recovery, but I can't leave her."

"Yeah, don't even think about it. We'll handle the practice. Jesus Christ, Edward, I'm so sorry."

"Thanks, man. She's been through hell. Fuck, her tiny body is in pieces."

I wiped angrily at my tears as I recalled all of her injuries to him. After about ten minutes, though, I had to get back to Sawyer. She could wake up at any time, and I needed to be there.

"Take care and let me know how she does," he said.

I nodded to myself, standing and beginning the walk back to the room. "Of course. I'll talk to you later. Thanks for handling things."

"It's no problem. Give her a kiss for me."

I ended the phone call and pulled open the glass door to Sawyer's room, balancing the three cups of coffee with one arm and my chest. Mom had fallen asleep in a chair in the corner, but Dad was still wide awake, eyes on his only grandchild.

"Here," I said, holding the cup out to him as I took my seat once more. "No change?"

He shook his head, guzzling the disgusting but drinkable coffee. "She stirred again and I called her name, but she didn't respond. Her BP's a lot better."

My eyes glanced at the monitors and then the intravenous fluids dripping through the IVs. They had her on morphine right now, but I knew she wouldn't stay on the potent drug for long. She'd be in pain soon. Hell, for all I knew, she already was, and that thought _killed _me.

"Daddy's back, Bean," I said, caressing her cheek. "Come on and wake up for me, please? I need you."

"She's going to take her time, Edward," Dad said. "Why don't you rest your eyes, hmm? I'll stay awake."

"No." I shook my head. "I'm not sleeping until I can talk to her and . . . _Shit_."

"What?"

I sighed, pulling my phone out. "Tanya's mom. I haven't called her yet."

"I can do that for you. Give it to me."

He held his hand out, and though I _knew _I should be the one doing this, I passed it to him. Carolyn Sanders hated me, but she hadn't cared for her daughter much more, either. Last I'd heard, they hadn't spoken in a few years, but she deserved to know what had happened. And really, she deserved to hear it from me.

"I don't even know if I have the right number," I said.

"If not, I'm sure we'll figure out how to contact her. I'll be back as soon as I can," he said, standing from his seat and leaning down to kiss Sawyer's forehead. "I love you, sweetheart."

Once he left, I slid down in my seat, keeping a tight grip on my baby girl's hand as I watched her chest rise and fall with each breath. The machines that had seemed so loud when I first stepped foot in here were now a comfort, telling me she was here and still fighting.

"Please, wake up," I whispered. "_Please._"

I wasn't sure if it were just wishful thinking, but I could have _sworn _I felt her hand tighten around mine ever so softly. I jolted out of my seat, hovering above her as my hands pressed against her cheeks.

"Bean?"

One flutter . . . then another and another quickly followed as her eyes opened to mine.

"Mom," I called out, looking over as she jolted awake. "Her eyes are open."

She threw the blanket off of her legs as she grinned. "Oh, thank God!"

"Sawyer, can you hear me?" I asked, caressing her cheek.

She watched me drowsily, turning her head slightly to the side. "Daddy?" she rasped out, and I swear to God, the word had never sounded so incredible.

"It's me. You're in the hospital, but you're going to be okay. I promise."

Her nose scrunched as tears filled her eyes and she whimpered, "Owwie. M-make it st-stop."

My heart was in pieces as I pressed the nurse's button over and over, keeping one hand on her cheek. "We'll make it better, baby. I'm _so _sorry."

Her nurse, Lauren, was quick to run into the room and adjust the morphine drip as Dr. Forester had prescribed. Mom had sat down in the chair on Sawyer's left side, trying to soothe her with me as the medication began to work.

"It's so nice to see those pretty eyes, Sawyer," Lauren said, smiling as she checked her vitals. "How about some water?"

She passed me the cup and straw as I sat down on the bed. Sawyer watched us closely, remaining silent as I put the straw to her lips. She took a sip before pushing it back out with her tongue and licking her lips as Lauren pulled the thermometer from her temple.

"Fever?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No, she's doing great. I'll go page Dr. Forester and let her know that she's awake."

"Thanks," I said and then she left the room, leaving the three of us in silence for a moment.

"Are you still in pain?" Mom asked, fixing the nasal cannula under Sawyer's nose. "How about some more water?"

"No," Sawyer whispered. "My tummy hurts . . . and my chest feels funny."

"I know it does, Bean." I knew the questions were inevitable, so I sighed, trying to figure out how to start. "Do you remember what happened?"

She nodded as her bottom lip quivered. "The car hit us and, and . . . and then another, and it _hurt _and Mommy wouldn't talk to me," she cried. "Where's Mommy?"

I squeezed her hand, trying to keep myself composed as she looked around the room — her breathing growing more and more frantic as she realized Tanya wasn't here. "She was hurt _really _bad, baby," I said. "The doctors . . . they tried _so _hard to help her, but they couldn't. I'm _so, so_ _sorry_, but Mommy went to heaven."

"No," she whimpered, shaking her head. "_No!_"

"They tried, baby. They tried so hard, but her injuries . . . they were too much. She _loves _you. She would be here if she could, I swear."

"I don't w-want her in heav-heaven."

I cleared my throat, cupping her cheek as she cried. "I don't either. I am _so _sorry. What do you need, Bean? What can I do?"

She didn't answer me as she continued to cry. What could she say, after all? What could I say to make this better? Tanya was gone . . . _actually _gone. I could barely wrap my head around it, so how was she supposed to?

"What do I do?" I asked, looking up at Mom as she covered her mouth, crying softly.

"I don't know, honey," she sniffled. "We just . . . be there for her."

So, I did the only thing I could think of. Being careful of the IVs and wires, I stretched out on the bed and laid beside my daughter. She turned her head into my chest, and I just held her as she cried.

As we both did.

I was a composed man. I thrived in stressful situations and didn't break a sweat. But now . . . the one time I _needed _to be composed when everything had changed, I wasn't. Our lives had been irrevocably altered, and I was all she had now. I was her only parent and every choice, every decision was on me.

"We're going to be okay. We'll get through this," I promised as I kissed her temple, praying I wasn't lying. I didn't know what the hell would happen next, but I'd do whatever I had to for her. I _would _put my daughter back together.

"I love you, Sawyer."

* * *

**Disclaimer: **SM owns Twilight, not me.

Oh my! I can't thank you all enough for giving this a chance! I'm blown away by the response and just . . . _thank you_. Thank you for taking the time to read, review, and spread the word. I'm going to update in about a week or so, but then we'll go to every two weeks.

I owe a massive thank you to **Bookwormbaby25 **and **MelissaMargaret **for taking their time to beta.

Also, thank you to **Kelley**, **Marita**, **Dee,** **Marie**, and **Lynsey **for prereading.


	3. Chapter 3

"They look icky." Sawyer pouted as she watched me lay new bandages over the incisions on her chest and abdomen while her nurse, Lauren, documented how they were progressing. My baby girl had made a special request that I do this, and all of her nurses had agreed. "Will you take the stitches out? I don't like them."

I sighed as I pulled my gloves off and laid them on the tray. "I know you don't, Bean, but they need to stay in until you heal. That takes more than a few days. Do they hurt?"

"No, but they kinda itch."

"That means you're healing." I smiled, lowering her hospital gown before I sat down beside her. I put my arm around her and she rested her head against my chest, snuggling into me as best she could. "Right, Lauren?"

Her nurse nodded, smiling brightly as she cleaned up the old bandages. "Yep. They might look icky to you, sweetheart, but to us, they look great."

Sawyer scrunched up her nose in disgust. "Nah-uh."

"They'll look a lot better once they heal," I said, kissing her temple and lifting the television remote. "Now, let's see what we've got to watch."

In the four days since the accident, I'd almost lost my daughter again _twice_. Just hours after she'd woken up, we found out she was once again bleeding from her liver. She was taken back to the operating room for a second surgery, and though it went well and the bleeding was repaired, she'd deteriorated and couldn't breathe on her own afterwards. Her body had just been through too much in too short a time period.

I sat by my daughter's side for _thirty-eight_ tortuous hours as a ventilator kept her alive. Waiting for her to wake up after the first surgery was hard, but waiting for her to wake up and breathe on her own? That was excruciating. I could handle _anything _that was thrown my way, except for the unknown. I could plan for complications such as infections or more bleeding — those could be treated — but I couldn't make her breathe.

So, I waited — fearfully and beside myself while I prayed to God that he would spare my Bean.

Thankfully, she did come back to me and had since been doing _incredible. _She'd been awake for over a day now, and I was feeling cautiously hopeful. Her labs looked good, her scans showed no more bleeding, and her vitals were getting better. She was getting stronger — even if it was a slow process.

"When can I see Mommy?"

My eyes tore away from the Disney channel show and grew wide as I looked down and met Sawyer's inquisitive ones. "Baby, Mommy passed away, remember?" I asked cautiously.

She'd known this, even after waking up from being on the ventilator. Forgetting something so . . . so devastating would mean brain damage, but she'd been cleared of that — or so we were told.

"I know, but . . . can I say goodbye?"

"Y-you want to see her?" I hadn't even gone down to the morgue to see Tanya yet, though I'd planned on it. The police identified her, so there had been no rush. I figured I'd go once Sawyer was out of the PICU. "Bean . . . I don't know about that."

"When my friend Cassie's grandma died, she got to see her before the funeral. She said she looked like she was asleep. Why can't I see Mommy?"

Her little head was cocked to the side, a confused expression on her face as I tried to figure out what the hell I was supposed to say to that. Tanya's will stated she was to be cremated and have her ashes spread. She didn't want a viewing or elaborate funeral, but a simple memorial. She'd planned her death as meticulously as she'd planned her life — which, if it hadn't been for a broken condom and shotgun wedding, would have been entirely different. Her life plan had been messed up by five years because of said broken condom, but . . . she made a new plan. She'd always made a new plan each time life threw something unexpected at her.

Her resilience was one of the things I'd admired most about her.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," I said. "Why don't you let me think about it, okay? No matter what, you'll get a chance to say goodbye to her. Seeing her, though . . . I don't know yet."

Her lips pulled down into a frown as she sighed, clearly unhappy with my answer. "Uh-huh. I think . . . I'm sleepy again."

"Okay, baby." I forced a smile, pulling the blanket higher over her chest. "Get some rest."

* * *

Around one in the afternoon, my parents came back from the hotel to stay with Sawyer, so I could shower and get something to eat. I'd barely left her side, fearful that the moment I did, she'd be gone. Now that she was out of the woods, though, Mom figured it was time for me to actually take care of myself, so I didn't have much of a choice but to leave.

"I won't be gone long," I said, sliding off of the bed and tucking the blankets tighter around Sawyer's sleeping form. "Maybe an hour or so, I guess. I need to update Garrett and check on things."

"Get something good to eat, too," Mom said, taking a seat beside the bed. "We won't leave her side. I promise."

Dad nodded. "And we'll call if anything happens, but I'm _sure _she'll be fine."

"She's been waking up crying," I said, throwing the bag Alice had brought down with her a few days ago over my shoulder. "I've just been holding her until she calms down, so you might have to do that."

"We'll take care of her, sweetheart," Mom said as I kissed her cheek.

With a sigh and one final kiss on my sleeping daughter's forehead, I finally left the room and headed out of the hospital. They'd gotten a hotel room just a few miles away, but still . . . it felt too far. I felt awful for leaving my daughter, even if I did leave her in the wonderful care of her grandparents — both well-trained medical professionals.

When I got to the hotel, I quickly hopped in the shower as my mind raced. Sawyer would probably be in the PICU for another day, maybe two, and then she'd be on the step down unit for a few days after that . . . Then I'd take her home — to _my _home, not Tanya's. I hadn't gotten to talk to her about that, and she hadn't asked yet. After the earlier conversation about seeing Tanya, I wasn't looking forward to this one. While I had always wanted her to live with me permanently, this was _never_ how I'd envisioned it happening.

Her entire life had changed the moment a drunk driver decided to get in his car. He'd taken her mother, her home, and everything she'd known from her with his decision, and now I was left to put the pieces back together. I had to make her start over, and I knew it wouldn't be easy.

But, we'd handle it . . . somehow.

After changing into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, I sat down on one of the beds and looked at my phone. Garrett and I needed to talk about my patients and Alice wanted me to call her. She'd come down after the accident, bringing some things for Mom, Dad, and me, but had to leave yesterday because of work. Sawyer was stable, so it wasn't like she _needed _to be here, but I knew she wanted to be.

"Hey," she answered after the first ring. "What's up?"

I leaned against the headboard, sighing into the phone. "I'm at the hotel. You busy?"

"Eh, working on charts, but I have a patient in about twenty minutes. So, how's Sawyer today?"

I told my sister everything that had happened last night after she left and today. The fact was that she understood what my daughter was going through better than I ever could, and though it killed me to admit that, her insight was a lifesaver.

"She _cries_, Alice," I said, shaking my head as I pinched my nose, remembering the gut wrenching sobsthat had come from my little girl. "And not just normal crying. She wakes up _sobbing_, crying out for Tanya and I don't know what to do. How can I make this better for her?"

"You can't. You're doing everything you need to do, which is just _being _there for her. She's going to have nightmares, she's going to be sad, and she's going to be angry, too. Right now she's still taking it in and absorbing what's happened. I'm sorry, but it won't just be . . . better."

"She wants to see Tanya."

"Her body?" she asked in surprise. "When did she ask this?"

"Today."

"Oh . . . well, would she be able to?"

I cocked my head, creasing my brow. "You think she should see her? Alice, God only knows what Tanya looks like — if she even looks like herself! How can that be healthy for Sawyer to see?"

I didn't even know if I _could _get Sawyer into the morgue, and I didn't see how this would be a good idea. Sawyer would get to say goodbye during the memorial, so why would _seeing _her mother's broken and battered body change anything?

"She might need the closure. I don't know, Edward, but . . . I'd try. She's eight years old, so she knows more than you think."

I groaned, laying my head back. "I'll . . . see what I can do, I guess."

* * *

Unsurprisingly, I wasn't allowed to take Sawyer to the morgue. So, I made another call. Tanya's mother was handling the memorial and planned to follow her daughter's wishes, but I was able to convince her to have a viewing arranged — if only for Sawyer. After we hung up, Carolyn made her own calls and then texted me to let me know a funeral home would be picking up Tanya's body tomorrow and we could have the viewing once Sawyer was discharged from the hospital.

This made me feel better about Sawyer seeing Tanya. She'd be cleaned up and would look like what I believe Sawyer imagined when she asked — sleeping. It still concerned me, but I had to give my daughter what she asked. If this was what she needed for closure to begin healing, I'd make it happen.

It wasn't until almost three that I headed back to the hospital. Mom and Dad never called, so I hoped that meant Sawyer was still asleep . . . but she wasn't. When I walked into her room, I found her awake and sitting up in bed, holding a large teddy bear with a pink bow in her lap. She was . . . _smiling_. It wasn't bright and didn't reach her eyes, but it was a _smile _— the first I'd seen on her since this happened.

"What do you have there, Sawyer Bean?" I asked, leaning down to kiss her temple.

She held the bear out to me and I took it, reading the tag on its ear. "It's a teddy bear. The bow's pink. Isn't that cool? Nana said Ms. Bella is your friend, but I don't know her."

"Yeah, you two haven't met." I smiled, sitting down beside her and laying the bear back in her lap. "I guess we'll have to tell Ms. Bella thank you, huh?"

The small gesture made my daughter _smile_, so Bella deserved a hell of a lot more than a simple thank you. Sure, we'd all brought Sawyer things here and there to try and cheer her up, but this bear was the only thing that had worked. Why? I wasn't sure, but I wasn't about to question it.

"This is my favorite color pink," she said, fingering the bow. "It's not really light and not too dark. It's perfect."

I nodded. "I'll have to remember that, then. How do you feel?"

Her tiny shoulders shrugged lightly. "Still tired and it hurts when I move a lot. My arm itches, too."

I reached across her, lifting her little fingers that poked from the large splint off of the pillow. Her capillary refill was still good, and the orthopedic surgeon said he'd replace the splint with an actual cast once the swelling went down. He'd had to put plates and screws in to keep the bones she'd broken in place, so they could heal properly. To be honest, this injury would probably take the longest to heal and very possibly require another surgery if the bones didn't heal just right.

"I'm sorry, baby," I said, moving my arm over her shoulder. "I wish I could make it better for you."

I _wished _I could make all of this better for her. She wasn't supposed to know so much pain so young.

"S'okay," she mumbled. "When, um . . . when I'm better, I'm gonna live with you in Seattle, aren't I?"

I nodded, smiling sadly. "Yeah, you are. I know it'll be a big change, but I'll do whatever I can to make it easier. You can still talk to all of your friends and come visit, too."

"Okay."

And just like that, she turned her attention back to whatever Disney channel show was on. Silently, my eyes met my parents as they watched her with sympathetic expressions. _Okay_? I thought. I'd expected so many more questions about when or why. Hell, I'd even prepared myself for her to tell me she didn't want to move, but okay?

That worried me.

My daughter had so much spirit — so much fight. She was inquisitive and vocal, and she _never _just resigned. Was this how she'd be now? It felt like . . . giving up — like the life in her had disappeared. How the hell was I supposed to bring her back?

Would I even be able to?

* * *

The next few days passed slowly, but brought good news. On her sixth day in the hospital, Dr. Forester decided it was time to remove Sawyer's chest tube and get her out of the PICU. I held my daughter's hand tightly, comforting her as she cried while the tube was being removed — jostling her already fractured and sore ribs. Once it was over, though, Sawyer stood and walked more than just a foot for the first time since the accident.

She was in more pain than I could imagine, but she was up on her feet and moving — a huge step in her recovery. It was a beautifully heartbreaking scene. Walking shouldn't have been such an incredible thing, but she was lucky to be able to. Her injuries could have been _so _much worse, and I couldn't let myself forget that.

My daughter was alive and recovering. It was, in fact, a miracle.

I didn't realize exactly how _much _of a miracle until I saw photos from the accident scene. Tanya's car was unrecognizable — smashed on every side and pried open. Sergeant Peters had brought the photos to me and explained what all had happened that night, causing tears to form in my eyes as I began to understand exactly what my daughter had witnessed — as I thought about the fear she endured.

She'd been awake and fairly alert as Tanya was pulled from the car — the rescue team still trying to free her. Sergeant Peters said she was brave, and it broke my heart that she'd had to be. She shouldn't have had to be that strong. She should have never witnessed any of that. She should still have been the carefree, happy girl I knew.

I was also contacted by the prosecutor in the case against the drunk driver. The man who had _killed _Tanya, and almost my daughter, had pled not guilty at his arraignment. He was charged with first degree manslaughter, along with multiple other charges, and I learned this wasn't the first time he'd gotten behind the wheel intoxicated.

I saw red, wanting nothing more than to search out this man and kill him myself. The prosecutor said she'd be in contact as things progressed, but there wasn't anything else to know right now and it could be a while until this went to trial.

She told me we needed to live our lives and try to heal from this, but how could we heal without closure?

"I can stay, Edward," Dad said as I sat on the hotel room bed, going over the plan for the practice until I'd return to work. Mom was with Sawyer at the hospital, keeping her occupied until I returned. "I'm sure Eleazar and Garrett will be fine until Sawyer can come back to Seattle."

I shook my head, sighing. "No, you should go for now. What's there to do anyway? The memorial isn't until Tuesday and the practice needs you."

Since Sawyer was being released tomorrow, Carolyn went ahead and scheduled Tanya's memorial. We had four days, but even after that, I wasn't sure when I'd be bringing Sawyer home. The thought of putting her in a car or on a plane right away seemed like more anxiety than she needed, but I planned on leaving that up to her.

"The practice has been fine," Dad said, zipping up his bag. "I just don't want to leave you here, son."

"I'm keeping Mom," I joked, offering a half smile.

"Even so, there's comfort in being surrounded by loved ones. It might be better for Sawyer if I stayed."

Sawyer _had_ been extremely attached to all three of us, needing at least one of us with her at all times. It would honestly be nice to have my dad stay, but I knew life was still going on and he had responsibilities. Mom said she'd stay and come home with us, but that hadn't made my daughter any less upset when she'd said goodbye to her Papa earlier.

"You'll be back in four days," I said. "We'll be okay."

I wasn't sure I was very convincing, but the plans had already been made and he stuck with them. After dropping me off at the hospital, he began the drive back to Seattle. Sawyer's new room was filled with flowers, balloons, stuffed animals, and cards galore because of her family and classmates. Still, the only stuffed animal she kept on the bed with her was on the teddy bear from Bella.

And for some reason, that made me immensely happy.

"There we go," Mom said, brushing the tangles from Sawyer's wet hair. "Does this feel better?"

Sawyer nodded as I sat down in the chair beside her. "Nana washed my hair, Daddy. It feels _really _good."

A small smiled played on her lips, making me _grin _as I took her hand. "I can see that. You look so pretty, Bean."

She was out of the hospital gown and wore a pair of pink pajamas that Mom had gotten from Tanya's house. Even with the bruises and splint on her arm, she looked . . . _good_. She was starting to look more like herself again.

"How about braids, sweetheart?" Mom asked, running her fingers through Sawyer's long hair. "We can show Daddy. I promise it's not _too _hard, Edward."

I smirked. "I'm sure it's harder than you'll make it look."

"It's really hard. Mommy always has to do it twice because it's . . . loose the first time," Sawyer said, whispering the last words. "She _had_ to do it twice."

"I know, baby. I know," I said, caressing her hand as tears filled her eyes.

"I keep forgetting she's gone."

Mom dropped the hairbrush, wrapping her arms around Sawyer from behind. She held her tightly, crying along with my daughter. "It's okay to cry, sweetie," she said, kissing her crown. "It's okay to be sad."

Sawyer took in a shuddering breath as she nodded. "It's n-not fair."

"No, it isn't," I said, moving to sit on the edge of the bed in front of her. I laid my hands on her cheeks, caressing softly with my thumbs as she looked up at me with _devastated _eyes. "We can always talk about her, all right? All those memories . . . anytime you want to share them, I'm here to listen. She's not here with us anymore, but she'll always be in here." I laid my hand over her heart, smiling sadly. "It's not the same, but you'll always have her and I'll _always _be here to listen."

"I miss how she smelled," she sniffled. "I miss her hugs and kisses. I just wanna hear her voice again."

I pulled my phone from my pocket, suddenly being hit with an idea. I didn't know if it'd make it worse, but . . . I figured I'd try. I hit Tanya's name in my contact list and put it on speaker as it went straight to voicemail.

"Hi, you've reached Tanya Cullen." My heart _ached _at the normality of the message. "I can't answer the phone right now, but please leave a detailed message with your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as possible . . . Have a good day."

The last four words stung. How many times had I listened to this message? How many times had I been pissed to get it? She'd always been so fucking busy and there had been more times than I could count that I hung up in anger as the message played.

"Do it again," Sawyer cried, grabbing the phone from my hand. "Make it do it again."

I nodded, quickly hanging up the phone and dialing it again. Sawyer listened to the message _seven _times as she cried. After the last time, she dropped the phone and I quickly pulled her into my arms, knowing this would just get harder before it got better.

My heart broke for my daughter — for the loss I wasn't sure how she could ever overcome. It ached for the loss of my ex-wife, too — a woman I'd always love for giving me the most precious gift in the world.

A precious gift that was now broken beyond what _I_ could repair.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **SM owns Twilight, not me.

Thank you all _so _much for reading and reviewing! I'm so blown away by you all. The next update will be in two weeks this time and that'll probably be the schedule for a while. The pace will start to pick up a little then. Also, I try to post a teaser on my twitter before updating — same name. Again, thank you!

I owe a massive thank you to **Bookwormbaby25 **and **MelissaMargaret **for taking their time to beta.

Also, thank you to **Kelley**, **Marita**, **Dee,** **Marie**, and **Lynsey **for prereading.


	4. Chapter 4

I held Sawyer close as she trembled in my arms. Her eyes were wide, jumping every which way as Dad drove us home from the airport. I could _feel _her terror, and it ripped through me like a knife, going straight into my heart. Every bump in the road made her jump, every horn made her whimper, and every car that seemed a little too close made her cry out for me.

It was fucking torture.

"We're almost home, Sawyer," I said, holding her a little tighter. "Are you tired? In pain?"

She nodded as her bottom lip quivered. "Yeah, it hurts."

It had only been two weeks since the accident, so I wasn't surprised she was sore. Her broken bones had barely begun to heal and her incisions were just turning into scars. She had a long way to go, but the recovery was beginning.

Now it was time to start her life over.

"I'll get you some medicine when we get home," I said as Dad turned onto my street. "See? We're here. The drive's all over."

She glanced toward my townhouse and a soft sigh of relief escaped her lips — mine, too. There was no way in hell we'd have been able to drive back from Portland, so we flew. Mom dropped us off at the airport this morning and drove my car back, which was filled with as many of Sawyer's things as I could shove inside. We shipped everything that wasn't essential, and Carolyn said she'd start sending things of Tanya's as soon as she could.

The memorial had been . . . beautiful, but hard. Sawyer got to say goodbye to Tanya's body before it and she did better than I imagined, but she couldn't handle the memorial — which was attended by more people than I'd imagined. Tanya had a lot of friends, colleagues, and clients that had paid their respects and after a few heartbreaking condolences, Sawyer broke down. We'd gone back to the hotel long before it was over, but Carolyn understood and she promised to visit Sawyer before the summer ended.

As soon as Dad stopped the car, Sawyer was reaching for her seatbelt. I quickly got her unbuckled and picked her up out of the car, settling her on my hip. She could walk just fine, but I knew she was tired and in pain — plus, there was comfort for me in carrying her and holding her close.

"Can I take a nap?" she asked as I walked up the steps behind Dad.

I nodded. "Of course, but how about medicine and lunch first? You barely touched your breakfast."

The moment I walked through the door, I felt a sense of calm at finally being _home_. My townhouse wasn't large, but it had always been perfect for me — and Sawyer, two months out of the year. The commute to my office and the hospital was short, too. Someday, though, I knew we'd have to move. The city probably wasn't the best place for her to grow up and she deserved more than this.

I figured we had some time before that, though — one step at a time, after all.

"Can I eat in my room?" Sawyer asked. "Is it still the same?"

I smiled, climbing the stairs. "Yeah, and Auntie Alice came over yesterday to get it ready for you. Everything's how you left it."

Her room was across from mine on the third floor, which I hadn't been inside of in months. Last summer she'd decided she wanted to change it from the "little kid room", as she'd called it, so she and Mom redecorated. It still looked pretty kid-ish to me, but she liked it, so that was all that mattered. Besides, I liked that she still had hoards of stuffed animals and a dollhouse.

I wasn't ready for her to get rid of those things yet.

As I placed her on the bed, she asked, "Where's my Ms. Bella bear? Did Nana take it?"

"No, Bean, it's on your suitcase. Will you be okay for a few minutes while I get our bags?"

She nodded, scooting back against her pillows and kicking her shoes off. "Thank you, Daddy."

"You're welcome." I smiled, kissing her cheek.

I was _so _incredibly happy to have my daughter home with me. The circumstances were horrible and I'd gladly go back to our arrangement if Tanya were alive, but . . . this was my second chance to be the father I'd always imagined.

I had to take some solace in that.

* * *

The first night all alone with Sawyer was _hard_. She'd cried the entire night and I wound up putting her in my bed, just so we could get some sleep. She had nightmares _all night long_. Around four in the morning, she didn't even want to try and sleep some more, so we watched cartoons and ate eggs in bed.

She was scared, sore, and _exhausted_. And I was clueless. I'd always considered myself great with kids — especially when they were frightened and didn't feel well — but Sawyer was different. Every tear that fell from her eyes broke my heart and every scream terrified me. I didn't know how to help her.

Over the next week, things got a little better. We developed a routine of sorts. Sawyer pretty much lived in my room, sleeping in my bed every night. I didn't dare attempt leaving her alone again. The nightmares she had _with _me were bad enough, but at least I could wake her quickly.

Our days were spent getting her settled and unpacked, and each item we pulled from a box had a story about Tanya. It seemed to help if she told me the stories, so I gladly listened. I'd always imagined Tanya being more hands off, but Sawyer told a different story. No matter how busy she was, she was _always _there to say goodnight — even if it was over the phone. Sawyer did mention that happened a lot, though, as I'd predicted. I had no idea what my daughter was actually going through or how to help her, so I winged it — meaning I spoiled her. I gave her everything her heart desired, which probably wasn't the right thing to do, but I couldn't help it.

Ice cream at midnight? The bowl was filled to the top.

Any TV show she wanted to watch? I let her no matter the time.

Basically moving into my room? Half of the bed was hers and I slept with a knee in my side.

I just . . . couldn't say no — not yet, at least.

"I know four hours a day isn't much, but I just can't leave her for more yet," I told Garrett as he sat across from me in my living room.

He and his wife, Kate, had been a fixture since we returned. Between Mom, Alice, and Kate, Sawyer's baths were taken care of. She just couldn't do it alone with her arm, and needless to say, no eight-year-old wanted their dad to help with that. Helping her get dressed was one thing, but bathing was another.

Garrett nodded as we looked over the patient schedule. "Hey, that's better than nothing. I've been drowning and I know it can't be helped, but I'll take anything at this point. Between charts, doubling up on patients, and being on call, I've barely been home. Eleazar's been helping out with caths, though, so we haven't had to send anyone to another practice."

Cardiac catheterizations were my specialty — one of my favorite things about my job. Garrett could perform them for diagnostic procedures, but when it came to treatment, I took them because he wasn't as well trained. We'd probably had at least twenty scheduled while I was gone, so I could only imagine how many had been rescheduled and would still have to be.

"I'm sure I could spend one full day a week doing those," I said. "Has the practice missed Mom more than me?"

He smirked. "She is the best damn nurse in the world, so yeah. Sorry, man. Everyone was pretty fucking thrilled to have her back this week."

"Of course they were," I chuckled, moving patients around on the schedule to fill in my time. "How's that?"

Once we had a schedule for me being there for only four hours a day, four days a week, we put away our laptops for lunch. Kate made pizza, which Sawyer helped with — the piece that would be hers _did _have an awful lot of pepperoni on it, after all. As we ate, Kate got a few smiles out of her by asking about the teddy bear — which she almost never let go of.

My daughter hadn't carried around a teddy bear in years, so it was quite the sight.

"I'm not naming him," she said, putting the bear on the table. "I just . . . like him. He's _really _soft."

Kate lifted her hand, patting the bear's head as she smiled. "Wow, he is! But come on, you have to name him."

"He's the Ms. Bella bear." She shrugged. "I haven't met her yet, but she was nice on the phone."

After getting the bear, we'd called Bella together. The woman I'd only met once was so incredibly kind to me and my daughter — going out of her way to make a child she didn't know feel a little better. She spoke to Sawyer briefly, telling her that she was in her thoughts, and she hoped the bear could offer a little comfort — that a snuggle or two might help her find a bit of peace in this confusing time.

It did more than give a little comfort. It had been my daughter's lifeline.

"She sounds like a very lovely woman," Kate said, smiling as she glanced toward me. "I think Ms. Bella Bear is a perfect name for this little guy. I bet he gives good cuddles, huh?"

"Yeah, he's softer than Daddy."

"I resent that." I smirked. "I'm very cuddly."

She _giggled_ and rolled her eyes, making me happier than I could express.

It was incredible to see her smile and giggle, which Garrett made sure to help with, too. After lunch was over, he even tried to make her feel better about her scars.

I could have done without him taking his shirt off, though.

"Does it hurt still?" Sawyer asked, moving her fingers over his median sternotomy scar. He'd been born with a heart defect that hadn't been detected until he was a teenager — and almost killed him, but inspired his career choice.

He shook his head, smiling as they sat together on the couch. "No, not at all. Do yours?"

"Kinda." She lifted her shirt, showing off the scar over her stomach. "It's icky, but Daddy says it'll get better."

The incision was healing beautifully to me, but I knew there was no convincing her of that. The scars would fade with time, but she'd always have those reminders.

"It will, sweetheart," he said, pulling his shirt back on and holding her close to him on the couch. "But, I hardly think proof that you're _so _incredible you survived is "icky". I call mine a battle scar because I survived, though chances were good I wouldn't. You did the same thing."

"You think I'm incredible?"

"Of course I do! Don't ever think otherwise, got it?"

She shrugged but smiled. "Okay. Can we watch a movie now?"

"Well, I certainly didn't just come over here for pizza," he chuckled, lifting the remote. "Which Disney movie do you have in here, anyway?"

As soon as the DVD menu came up with _The Little Mermaid_, he groaned softly, but forced a smile for her. I had no sympathy for him as I headed upstairs to my office to look over the charts he'd brought. I'd been enduring the princess movies on repeat all week.

He'd live for one afternoon.

* * *

"We'll be _fine_," I said, trying to coax Sawyer into my car. "I promise nothing will happen, all right? We have to go to the doctor."

"No," she whined, backing up against the garage wall. "Please, Daddy, _no_."

I sighed, scrubbing my hands over my face. I knew this would be an ordeal, but _fuck_. She was so terrified of being in the car, but she didn't have a choice. She had a follow up appointment with her pediatrician, and we couldn't miss it. She'd need blood work and a chest x-ray to look at her fractured ribs.

I highly doubted rescheduling would change her feelings about going, so I decided I wouldn't. Now, I had to figure out how to get her in the damn car.

"It's a five minute drive, Sawyer Bean. I promise we'll go slowly and I'll be _extra _careful."

"Someone's gonna hurt us," she sniffled.

I kneeled down in front of her, taking her hands. "_No one _will hurt us. No one hurt us coming back from the airport, remember? Or when we left the hospital and went to Mommy's memorial. We've been in the car five times since the accident, and nothing has happened. It won't this time, either. You trust me, don't you? I'd never lie to you."

"I know." She nodded as I wiped her tears. "I'm just scared."

"And that's perfectly understandable. I'll talk to you the entire drive, all right?"

She sighed, taking a step away from the wall. "Okay, but be _really _careful."

"I swear that I will." I smiled, leading her to the backdoor.

She climbed up carefully and settled into her booster seat as I buckled her in. Though we'd been in the car since the accident, this _was _the first time I hadn't been in the backseat with her. During the drive, I kept up a conversation with her, glancing into the rearview mirror time and time again. She was visually uneasy, but she did better than I expected her to.

The moment I opened her door, though, her good arm flew around my neck, holding onto me for dear life as I picked her up. Unfortunately, being in a car wasn't the only thing that scared her. Anytime a siren passed our house, a look of panic would fill her eyes. If she was asleep when it happened, she'd _scream —_ and the same reaction would occur from _any_ loud noises. She was still so shaken up by the accident, and though I knew it was normal, it hurt.

I could ease her pain, wake her from nightmares, and listen to her worries, but I couldn't make this better.

"Hopefully we won't be here long," I said, giving her cheek a kiss as we rode the elevator up to the doctor's office. "How about ice cream after, hmm?"

"Can I have fudge on mine?" she asked sweetly. "And sprinkles?"

"Like I'd ever deny you fudge and sprinkles," I chuckled. "There's a place right down the street, so no car ride required. Once we're done, we'll go home when you're ready."

She nodded. "Okay."

The pediatrician I'd picked for her was in the same building as my practice, and I'd worked with the woman before — taking on patients she'd referred to me. She didn't keep us waiting long once we checked in, and she was kind and gentle as she examined Sawyer's healing injuries. Once the x-ray was done and blood had been drawn, we were done — faster than I'd anticipated.

Of course being in my office building meant we had to head upstairs to see my parents and Garrett before ice cream.

"Oh, there's my beautiful granddaughter," Dad said, grinning as he stood at the counter. He held his arms out, and Sawyer quickly reached for him. "How was your appointment?"

She shrugged, hugging him tightly with her good arm for a moment. "They took my blood." She held her arm out for him. "And I got to see my insides again."

"Dr. Banner let her see the chest x-ray," I said. "She's healing well, but they won't have the lab results back for a few days. She doesn't think there will be any issues, though."

He nodded. "Good. So, what is your daddy spoiling you with after this?"

"Ice cream." She smiled proudly. "Is Nana here?"

"I'm afraid she's not today, but Garrett is. I think he's in his office."

"Can I go see him, Daddy?"

I looked away from the schedule on the counter, feeling a little guilty that this had been Garrett's only break from patients today. "Only a few minutes, all right?" I asked.

"Okay!" she said as Dad placed her on her feet.

She took off quickly, searching out his office as I followed my dad back to his. While Sawyer was visiting with Garrett, Dad and I talked a little about my return to work in just _three _days. I'd only be working mornings Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday, so Mom and Alice offered to stay with Sawyer during those times — alternating depending on Alice's schedule. Mom was only in the office a few days a week as it was, so thankfully, it didn't affect her schedule too much.

"We'll make it work, son," Dad said. "Once school resumes in the fall, your hours can increase, but I understand wanting to be home more until then."

I nodded, relaxing in the chair across from his desk. This practice was my father's dream, so I was relieved he didn't take my change in devotion the wrong way. I _loved _my job and was so grateful to my father for the opportunity, but Sawyer had to come first right now. "Thanks, Dad. It'll all go back to normal in a few months, I promise."

He smiled, lifting his hand and waving me off. "You need to do what's best for Sawyer and yourself first, so don't worry about it . . . How is she, really?"

"Dr. Banner said she's made great progress, and her appointment with the orthopedic surgeon isn't for another few weeks, so we'll know more about her arm then."

"What about . . . other things?"

"Scared out of her mind," I confessed with a sigh. "It took twenty minutes just to get her in the car, and a few emergency vehicles drove past the house this morning, making her _scream _bloody murder. I can't exactly silence sirens or walk her everywhere, so I don't know what to do."

"That's tough, Edward, and I don't think there's really any advice I could give you. If something like this had happened to you and Alice . . ." He shook his head, pulling his glasses from his face, "I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. And losing Tanya . . ."

"She was my friend," I whispered. "Even divorcing didn't change that, you know? We were never meant to be together — that was clear as day — but we _were _friends. We were great parents together and doing this without her seems so wrong. I keep . . . I keep wanting to call her and talk to her about this — ask her what the hell I'm supposed to do. I'm realizing I don't know the first thing about being a real father."

"That's bullshit," he spat, rolling his eyes. "You are an _incredible _father, and you have been since the day that little girl was born. You love her more than words could ever express and you'd give _anything _just to see her smile. She's your entire world, so don't you dare say you're not a real father. I look at you with her and I'm immensely proud of the man you are. I'm proud of your diplomas, your awards . . . all of your achievements in life, but nothing makes me more _sure_ that I raised you properly than seeing you with her."

"But I barely saw her before this."

He shook his head. "Maybe, but you called her every day and you made special trips to see her, if only for a few hours. You couldn't help the circumstances."

"I could have moved. I could have been there."

"Edward, if you want someone to tell you that you're a terrible father, you'd best look elsewhere, because I won't. Stop feeling guilty about the past. You've got a _hard _road ahead of you, and the only way you'll manage is by letting it _go_. Tanya's dead. You're raising Sawyer alone. It's horrible, but nothing will change it. Now, accept that and figure out what you're going to do next. She's depending on you to do that, and I _know _you can."

I sat there silently for a moment, letting his words sink in. He wasn't the type of man to mince his words just to make you feel better, but he wasn't an asshole either. He was the only man I could say arrogance worked for — if that made any sense at all. The reality of his words stung, but he was right.

I felt so fucking guilty.

Guilty that I hadn't always been there for Sawyer, guilty that I'd gotten what I'd always wanted, and guilty that I couldn't just make my daughter better.

"Fuck, this is going to be hard," I said, scrubbing my hands over my face.

"Yes, but if anyone can do it, I know you can. I'll always be here to listen, but this is something you'll have to figure out on your own."

I nodded. "Thanks, Dad."

"That's what I'm here for." He smiled, glancing at his watch. "Sawyer has officially taken up Garrett's entire break, though I highly doubt he's minded."

I chuckled, shaking my head. "Yeah, he probably hasn't. I promised her ice cream anyway, so we'll get out of your hair."

He stood up with me and walked around his desk, clasping his hand over my shoulder before pulling me into a quick embrace. "You're a great dad. Never forget that."

"I'll try," I said as we left his office for Garrett's.

I wasn't the least bit surprised to find Sawyer sitting on his desk as he drew something _else _on her large pink cast. I was sure that once it came off, she'd want to save it just for his many pieces of artwork that he'd decorated it with. To be fair, Garrett was a fairly talented artist.

"What?" Garrett asked, smirking as he capped his marker. "She wanted another owl. Didn't you, Sawyer?"

My daughter nodded with a smile. "Look, Daddy! He's _soooo _good!"

"It's _really _cool, Bean."

"I'm pretty awesome," Garrett said smugly.

"It's a shame that you wasted so many years in medical school," I laughed, lifting Sawyer from his desk carefully. "Ready for ice cream, baby?"

"Yep. Thank you, Uncle Garrett."

"It's my pleasure, sweetheart. Demand _lots _of sprinkles and think of me, okay?"

"I will," she giggled.

* * *

Leaving my car in the garage, Sawyer and I walked the two blocks down the street to the ice cream shop. It was actually a nice day in Seattle — in the high seventies and not a cloud in sight — so once we ordered, we decided to sit outside on the patio to eat.

"I guess dinner is kind of ruined, isn't it?" I asked as she shoved a spoonful of strawberry ice cream covered in fudge and sprinkles in her mouth.

She nodded, licking her lips in satisfaction. "We could have _more _ice cream."

I laughed. "Yeah . . . not a chance, Bean."

She shrugged, knowing she'd given it her best shot, and took another spoonful. I kind of hated that, come Monday, I wouldn't be with her twenty-four seven. She knew, but hadn't brought it up again — though she'd been clearly upset when I'd told her. I had to believe that things would get easier eventually. The loss was still so fresh, like one of her many wounds that had just begun to heal. One wrong move could tear it right back open and the horrible pain would be coursing through her again, just as strong.

I dreaded that inevitable moment.

"Can we go to the zoo soon?" she asked.

I smiled, nodding. "I think we can make that happen, as long as you feel up to it. So . . . how are you feeling about Monday? I won't be gone long and Nana said she's bringing something for you two to do."

"I don't want you to go, but I know you gotta."

"Yeah, I do," I sighed. "It's really not that long, though. I'll be home right after lunch."

"I know. I'm just gonna miss you."

"I'll miss you too, Sawyer Bean," I said as a woman coming out of the shop caught my eye. "Bella?"

Sawyer's head whipped around as Bella stopped and glanced over toward us. "Ms. Bella?"

"You must be Sawyer," Bella said as a smile spread across her lips.

She took the few steps over, and I couldn't help but notice her _fucking _legs in the tight skirt. She was just as gorgeous as I'd remembered from our date, and I couldn't help but let the thought of how different things could have been cross my mind — if only for a second.

It was a nice second.

"Yeah, and you're Daddy's friend, right? Ms. Bella?" Sawyer asked.

"You can just call me Bella." She winked. "And wow, _that _looks so much better than my milkshake!"

Sawyer nodded. "It's strawberry with fudge and _lots _of sprinkles. Are you gonna sit down?"

"I-I don't want to intrude," she said, glancing at me.

"No, you can sit," I said. "Unless you need to get back to work, which we understand, right, Bean?"

"Please sit?" Sawyer begged, completely ignoring me.

Bella's eyes flicked to her watch before nodding. "I'd love to," she said, pulling the chair out next to Sawyer. "I'm glad to finally meet you."

"Thank you for my bear. I _really _like him."

"She sleeps with him every night, actually," I said as Sawyer shot me a death glare. "What? You do."

"He's really soft and his bow is the _perfect _pink. How did you know?"

"That's my favorite pink, too," Bella said, and I swear to god, Sawyer looked at her like she'd hung the moon. "I'm so glad you like him. Every girl needs a cuddly teddy bear sometimes — _especially _when they don't feel well. Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, the doctor took my blood today. See?" Sawyer held her arm out to show off the little bandaid. "She said I'm doing really good, but my arm's gonna be in a cast for a while. It's pink."

"And it has drawings." Bella smiled, inspecting the cast. "Those are some cute owls."

"My uncle Garrett drew them. This one he did today."

I sat there for a good five minutes as they talked about the drawings on her cast. It wasn't a very riveting conversation, but Bella _actually _looked interested. She was great with my Bean, and the beauty I'd seen in her before seemed to be amplified.

"I take it your office is around here?" I asked as their cast talk ended and a brief silence began while Sawyer had another spoonful of her ice cream.

"Yeah, right across the street, actually," Bella said, pointing toward the building. "I'm so happy to have run into you. What luck, huh?"

I nodded, incredibly appreciative of such luck. "Definitely. You, uh . . . you _really _made her happy with that bear," I said softly. "It's been like her lifeline."

"I just wanted to do something." She smiled as a siren began wailing in the distance.

Sawyer's joyful expression changed instantly as she froze with wide eyes. I quickly reached across the table for her hand as she whimpered. "Bean, it's all right," I said. "Hey, it's okay, I promise."

As the siren grew louder, so did her whimpers. I was kicking myself for not thinking about how close we were to the hospital, and without being a few floors up inside a building, the sound was easily audible. I was out of my seat in a hurry, pulling her into my arms and covering her ear that wasn't pressed against my chest. She _shook _with fear.

Suddenly, Bella's hand was on her back with mine, and I glanced up to find her brow furrowed with worry. "Sirens . . . they scare her," I said.

She nodded. "I can imagine."

As the wail died down, Sawyer's body began to relax just slightly with my hand and Bella's on her. "See, it's over, baby," I sighed, pressing my lips to her temple. "Everything's _fine._"

She sniffled, lifting her red eyes to me. "I wanna go home."

"Okay, we can go home."

"I . . . I should get back to work anyway," Bella said, smiling sympathetically. "It was _so _nice to meet you, Sawyer."

My daughter couldn't even look at her as she nodded, burying her head back into my chest. Bella rubbed her back one last time before standing up.

"I'll, uh . . . I'll see you later," I said.

She nodded, pulling something from her purse and laying it on the table. "Take care, Edward."

As she walked away, my eyes fell on the business card she left — _her _business card. Did she . . . did she think Sawyer _needed _her? Alice had never mentioned it. Sawyer was grieving. She was still shaken up. No child would just be _okay_ after what she'd gone through, of that I was sure.

But even knowing that, I still slid the card into my pocket before carrying Sawyer back to the car. Why? That was what I didn't know.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **SM owns Twilight, not me.

I'm so sorry for being a few days late! Hopefully two weeks won't sneak up on me next time. Thank you all _so _much for reading and reviewing!

To those who celebrate, I hope you have a _wonderful_ Christmas! Happy holidays!

I owe a massive thank you to **Bookwormbaby25 **and **MelissaMargaret **for taking their time to beta.

Also, thank you to **Kelley**, **Marita**, **Dee,** **Marie**, and **Lynsey **for prereading.


	5. Chapter 5

The moment my alarm blared, I jolted awake, blinking my eyes open rapidly. It was six-thirty in the morning and I hadn't fallen to sleep until after three, so I wasn't even almost ready for the day to begin. Sitting up with a yawn, I glanced over at the other side of my bed to find Sawyer peacefully asleep, snugly wrapped up in multiple blankets. That peace had taken _all _night to achieve, so I was relieved the alarm hadn't so much as caused her to stir. She slept like shit lately, which meant I did, too. Between restlessness, nightmares, and giving in to "just one more episode" or "one more game", our nights had been late.

It was fine until I'd gone back to work last week.

_Fuck, I need coffee_, I thought, slowly leaving my bedroom for the kitchen.

The machine was right on time — brewing the coffee just when I'd programmed it to — and I thanked god for technology as I poured myself a cup and sat down at the island. Last night was even later than usual because, though Sawyer had fallen asleep around midnight, a horrid nightmare quickly woke her up and she refused to close her eyes again until she just couldn't keep them open any longer. I was pretty fucking thankful I was only in the office for four hours a day.

"Daddy?"

My head shot toward the stairs, finding Sawyer padding down them with her bear under her arm. "Shit," I whispered to myself as I put my cup back down and stood, meeting her at the bottom. I lifted her into my arms, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Why are you up, Bean?"

"You were gone," she said with a yawn. "Are you going to work?"

"Yeah, in a little bit. Auntie won't be here for an hour, so why don't you go back to bed, hmm? Daddy's got to get cleaned up, but I'll wake you before I leave."

"Uh-huh," she mumbled as she rested her head on my shoulder. "Love you."

I smiled, rubbing her back. "I love you too, Sawyer. Let's get you back in bed."

Her eyes were already closed by the time I laid her down, pulling the blankets up over her shoulders. She looked as exhausted as I felt and my heart ached for her. She needed a good night's rest, but that just didn't seem like a possibility anytime soon.

I was starting to wonder if it ever would be.

Once I was sure she was completely back to sleep, I headed into my bathroom to get a shower and get ready. I wasn't used to having to tiptoe around my bedroom early in the morning, but it was only one of the many adjustments I'd made. After a week of doing it, I'd become pretty damn good at being quiet.

* * *

Since Mom's schedule was more open than Alice's, my sister only watched Sawyer once a week on Wednesday. I kind of wished she could do more, but I wasn't about to ask. I gladly took what she could give, knowing any time was more than she had to offer. After our run-in with Bella a week and a half ago, I kept wondering if Sawyer _did _need more help than I could give her. Alice said she'd keep an eye on her, but that she couldn't make that call for me.

Sawyer was grieving and everyone grieved differently, she'd told me.

"She barely slept last night, so please don't wake her up," I said, leaning against the counter with my third cup of coffee.

Alice nodded, pulling all sorts of things out of her bag. "I won't."

"Puzzles?"

"Yep." She nodded, smiling. "I brought coloring books, too. All she did last week was read and play games, so I thought I'd bring something better to entertain her. I mean, what kid doesn't love coloring? I still do."

"Of course you do," I laughed. "Thanks for thinking of that. I'm sure she'll love it . . . or say she's not a baby and coloring is for babies."

"Coloring is awesome, so she'd be wrong. Is there anything you want me to do with her? I thought we could go for a walk, but I wasn't sure if she'd be up for it."

"Uh, if she wants to do it, I wouldn't tell her no. She might tire quickly, though, so not too far. And remember sirens and emergency vehicles, please?"

"She still freaks out? Just as badly?"

I sighed, nodding. "I think it's getting worse, actually. Still can't tell me what to do, can you?"

"It's not my call," she said sadly, easing herself onto the bar stool. "Do you know if she's having flashbacks?"

"I . . . I don't think so? She has nightmares, though — _really _awful ones. I worry that it's more than just . . . grieving and recovering. You know?"

"I know, but diagnosing a child with post-traumatic stress disorder isn't really cut and dry, and I _can't _tell you what you should do. Do I think she'd benefit from talking to someone? Of course, but that's completely your call. I will tell you that some of the things she does alarms me, but I don't know if that's the psychologist in me or the aunt who loves her."

I scrubbed my hands over my face, groaning. "I wish _someone _would tell me what the hell to do. I think . . . maybe I'll give it a little longer and if nothing's better, I'll make some calls."

"That's a good idea." She nodded, reaching out and rubbing my shoulder. "You better get to work."

"Right. I'll uh, be home a little after one. Call me if you need anything, okay? Or if she needs me to come home."

"I will. We'll have a good day."

After pouring more coffee into my thermos, I headed upstairs to kiss Sawyer goodbye — not daring to disturb her, even though I said I would. Thankfully, she didn't stir and then I left, leaving her in the care of my sister.

* * *

"I want to see the echo results right away," I told one of my nurses, Morgan, as I passed her my patient's chart before kneeling down in front of the three-year-old little girl. "I promise this won't take long, Cindy, and your parents will be with you the _whole_ time."

The little girl trembled, holding her mother's hand tightly. "Is it gonna hurt?"

"Nope." I shook my head, lifting my hand and ghosting it over her chest. "Something called a transducer will be moved over your heart like this, and we'll get a video of how your heart's beating. It's actually pretty neat, if I may say so. It'll help me figure out why you're not feeling well."

"Okay," she sighed.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," her father said, holding his hand out to me.

I stood back up, shaking it as I nodded. "It's my pleasure. I'll see you all in a little while and go over the results with you."

"Today?" her mother asked, wiping her eyes.

"Yes, and then we'll go from there. She's in good hands," I said, patting her arm.

Once Morgan took my newest patient and her parents to the echocardiogram room, I headed back to the counter for my next chart. With my clinic days being half the time they used to be, I was loaded up with patients — trying to see as many as I could in the short amount of time. Being busy was nice, though. It made the day go by quickly, and now I only had another hour before I could go back home to Sawyer.

It wasn't that I didn't _love _being back after a month — because I did — but I missed my kid. I worried about her constantly, even knowing she was in incredible hands. In fact, I was pretty sure going back to work was harder on me than it was her. Still, it was nice having a bit of normalcy back to ease some of the ache and worry I seemed to constantly carry around.

I truly loved my job and my patients, so taking care of them again made me feel _really _good. Hearing that they'd missed me made me happy because I'd missed them, too. I did need that month off and being back only part-time was right, though. Sawyer came first, and she always would. Four days a week — one of which was spent at the hospital — wasn't much, but it was life for now.

"Oh god, you're smiling," I laughed, closing the exam door behind me as my usually grumpy fifteen-year-old patient, Bree, sat on the exam table. "Is she sick?"

Her mother laughed. "No, she just missed you. We both did, actually. I brought you some brownies." Mrs. Tanner pulled the tin from her purse and opened the lid for me.

"Thank you," I said, taking one. "So, how have you been, Bree?"

She shrugged. "Good. I like my new heart."

Bree had _finally _received a heart transplant about three months ago — after waiting over a year. I saw her monthly still, so Garrett had seen her a few weeks ago. He noted that everything was going well, which I found out for myself after examining her. It was cases like this that made my job worth it. Sure, I saw some _really _terrible things, but there was so much good, too. Bree would get to grow up, which wasn't much of a possibility just a few months ago.

After finishing up with her and putting the incredibly delicious brownies in my office, I saw another patient. Once I'd finished with him, I finally got a chance to look at Cindy's echo. The results weren't great, but they were far from being the worst. She had a ventricular septal defect, which had gone undetected until now. Since it hadn't closed on its own and she now had symptoms, surgery was the best course of action. I referred her to my dad for a consult, but she'd still continue being my patient after he repaired the defect.

Of course it wasn't that simple to her parents, though. I spent an hour with them, going over the echo and a course of treatment — both the medical and surgical aspects. The next few months wouldn't be easy, but I fully believed their daughter would lead a perfectly normal and healthy life after this was taken care of.

I didn't get home until after two, but the guilt I felt for being late was completely unwarranted as I stepped into my house. Sawyer and Alice were busy with their puzzle, and my kid hadn't even noticed I was late. She was quickly off of the floor and running to me, though.

"Did you have a good day, Daddy?" she asked as I kissed her cheek over and over, taking a moment to appreciate having her in my arms.

"I did, Bean. What about you?" I sat down on the couch in front of Alice with her, holding her in my lap as she nodded.

"Auntie made me pancakes, and they were _so _yummy! We went for a walk, too. It's sunny, you know?"

I smiled, nodding. "I noticed. Tomorrow is supposed to be nice, too — perfect for the zoo."

_That_ made her grin and then she went on to tell Alice everything that she wanted to do tomorrow. The fact that our trip had slipped her mind until now seemed utterly unbelievable, but it had. She made up for it, though. Alice didn't leave until after three — after finding out all kinds of interesting facts about lions and tigers.

"Can we stay the _whole _day tomorrow, Daddy?" Sawyer asked as I sat on the floor with her, helping her finish the princess puzzle she'd started.

It was actually a lot harder than it seemed, but she and Alice had separated the pieces as best they could. It was kind of hilarious that I was putting together a _princess _puzzle. The things I did for my bean, though.

"That'd be a long day," I said. "How about we see how you feel?"

She sighed. "Fine, but I wanna see _everything_. Especially the cats!"

Though she was doing well, Sawyer still hadn't completely recovered physically from the accident. She was getting there, though. The twinges of pain were less and less every day, but she was still quite exhausted — that wasn't necessarily from the accident, but it contributed to it. Her abdomen and chest were healing well, but her arm had a ways to go. Her appointment with the new orthopedic surgeon was in three weeks, and we'd find out if she needed more surgery then. With how bad the fractures were, it was distinct possibility.

"Well, we'll try to see everything, baby, and if we don't, we'll just have to go back."

"Really?" She smiled.

I nodded. "Of course. Now, where the hell does this piece go?"

She took the puzzle piece from me with a giggle, laying it right into place as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Clearly she didn't _really _need my help — not that I was much anyway. It took her another hour to finish the puzzle completely, and then we put it up on the coffee table until she and Alice could glue it together for hanging.

She was rather pleased with herself, let's just say.

* * *

"Oh my _god_!" Sawyer shrieked from on top of my shoulders, pointing at the roaring lion in the exhibit. "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, did you see it? Hear it? It's so _cool!_"

I chuckled, nodding as I held onto her tightly while she bounced in excitement. "It's _very _cool, Bean."

"I wanna pet him!"

"And then he'd take a nice big chunk out of you. Like this."

I pretended to bite her leg as she giggled, patting my head. "You're silly. Can we stay here for a little bit?"

"Sure thing, baby."

I stood in front of the exhibit with her on my shoulders until she was content — and I couldn't feel my neck. We'd gotten to the zoo right when it opened and she'd already visited many of the exhibits — except the tigers. That was where she wanted to go after lunch. I'd put her on my shoulders earlier because she was getting tired, so I had a feeling we'd be leaving after the tigers.

Well, I hoped.

The zoo was kind of fucking exhausting, but she was happy so the pain in my neck and shoulders was worth it. And it still would be tomorrow, too. She was _really _smiling, acting completely carefree for the first time since the accident. All the pain in the world was worth seeing that again.

"I wish we never had to leave," Sawyer said, sitting across from me as we ate our lunch. "I think this is my favorite place _ever_."

I smiled, laying my sub down as she grinned happily. "It _is _pretty cool, so we'll have to come back soon. I guess I don't have to ask if you're having a good time then, huh?"

"Nope," she giggled. "Can I get some stuffed animals? Please? I want a lion and a tiger and a giraffe!"

"Why, does Bella bear need company?"

She nodded, lifting her sub for another bite. "He gets lonely."

"You can get whatever you want," I chuckled. "You're looking kind of tired, so how about we go see the tigers and then head home, okay? How's your arm?"

Her eyes fell to the sling, holding her arm to her chest. I knew it was bothering her, but she never outright said it. She'd scratch her neck, readjust it, and pretend it was fine. When we were home, I'd prop her arm up with pillows so she didn't have to wear it, but the cast going past her elbow was heavy so she needed some kind of support.

"It hurts a little," she said. "But I'm okay! I wanna see the tigers."

"We'll see the tigers, Bean," I soothed, reaching out for her hand before she worked herself up. "I'll give you some Tylenol to help, okay?"

She nodded, and then I reached for her little backpack, pulling out the bottle I'd stuffed in there. Once she took the medicine and we finished eating, we headed off to the tiger exhibit. The day felt long, but it really hadn't been. And if it felt long to me, I could only imagine how she felt.

I put her back on my shoulders once again when we got to the tigers, and she oohed and aahed for a good twenty minutes, telling me to keep taking pictures for her. Unsurprisingly, my phone was filled with animal pictures now for the scrapbook she and Mom planned on making this week. It might have just been another activity to keep her busy, but she was _so _excited about it.

It was odd how the small things that made her so excited made _me _so immensely happy. The things I'd been taking for granted, I guess.

* * *

Just like this morning, our car ride home was anything but pleasant. I couldn't count how many times Sawyer yelled at me that there was a car too close or one wasn't stopping quick enough. I remembered how when she was a baby, car rides would put her to sleep instantly. There were quite a few times that Tanya and I would load her up and drive around for an hour, just to get her to sleep a little. Tanya would quiz me for my boards, and I'd quiz her. Somehow, it worked. We were sleep deprived and had an infant daughter, but we both managed to finish college and find success.

I still didn't know how the hell that happened, to be honest.

Just as I was pulling down our street — the anxiety filled drive _almost _over — a fire truck came up behind us, blaring its sirens and honking its horn. I pulled over to let it pass and glanced into the backseat, finding Sawyer with an oddly terrifying blank expression as her body shook.

No screaming, no crying, just . . . silence.

"Sawyer?" I asked, turning around. "Baby, look at me."

Her eyes were glassy, tears quickly filling them as she shook and then started gasping. "No," she whimpered. "No."

I was out of the car in a heartbeat, going around and climbing in the backseat beside her — on the side of a busy city street. I didn't know what else to do, though. I unbuckled her, pulling her out of the booster seat and into my lap, holding her close to me as she cried and gasped.

An anxiety attack had never looked so _terrifying_. Sure, she'd cried and screamed before, but not an actual attack. Her gasps for air scared the hell out of me, and though I _knew _it wasn't life threatening, it fucking felt like it.

"Calm down, Bean," I said, kissing her head and rubbing her back. "It's okay. I've got you, all right? Daddy's got you."

She continued to hyperventilate, holding onto my neck as she struggled. _Fuck_, I thought, trying to figure out how the hell I was supposed to calm her down. I couldn't handle this. I couldn't handle seeing my baby so distressed, knowing _I _couldn't fix it.

"The fire truck's gone," I said. "It's gone and you're safe. You're right here with me, and I won't let _anything _happen to you, Bean. I'll never let anything hurt you again."

"Mommy," she cried. "Mom-mommy would-n't talk to m-me."

Though her words were interrupted by the gasps, I knew. She fucking saw Tanya. That blank expression . . . She was back there again — in that car, waiting for her mom to tell her it was okay.

Waiting for something that would never happen.

"I know, baby." I held her tighter, rubbing her back gently. "I'm _so _sorry you were in that car. I'm so sorry she's gone."

I let her cry then, and we spent the next half hour not a quarter mile from our home until she'd calmed down enough for me to let her go. The moment we pulled into the garage, though, she was back in my arms and I didn't let her go. She wore herself out from the anxiety attack, quickly falling to sleep as I held her on the couch.

I knew what I had to do, but I didn't know where the hell to start. I couldn't help my daughter. I couldn't make things better for her, but . . . someone else could. It _killed _me to admit that I needed help — that I couldn't do what a father was supposed to do. I was supposed to protect her, make her happy, fight off the monsters that plagued her nightmares, and be her hero.

But, I couldn't fight off these nightmares, I couldn't change what had happened, and I hadn't been there when she'd needed her hero most.

"I'll be right back, baby," I whispered, kissing Sawyer's forehead and laying her on the couch.

I hurried upstairs to my study, rifling through my desk until I found the business card I'd thrown haphazardly in a drawer. Holding it between my fingers for a moment, I sighed and pulled my phone from my pocket, dialing the number.

"Webber and Swan counseling associates," a female voice answered. "How may I help you?"

Clearing my throat, I said, "My name's Edward Cullen, and I need to speak with Bella Swan, if she's available."

"I believe she is. Just one moment, please."

The hold music switched on for a brief moment as I held my breath, trying to tell myself that this was for the best. Bella could help. Sawyer liked her and maybe she'd understand why she needed to talk to someone — why I couldn't help her.

"Edward?" Bella's soft, beautiful voice answered.

"I-I need your help."

* * *

**Disclaimer: **SM owns Twilight, not me.

Thank you all _so _much for reading! Hopefully I'll be back in two weeks with the next chapter, which is almost finished now. Also, if you enjoy one-shot contests, I'm hosting a new one — The TwiFic Doctorward Contest! We have a twitter and a fanfiction profile, so please, check it out!

If you're wondering about the A Few More F Words epilogue, it's still being written. I've found it's _much _harder to say goodbye than I thought it'd be. It's not an excuse, though, and I hope to have it finished soon.

I owe a massive thank you to **Bookwormbaby25 **and **MelissaMargaret **for taking their time to beta.

Also, thank you to **Kelley**, **Marita**, **Dee,** **Marie**, and **Lynsey **for prereading.


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